In my box office recap I mentioned that I believe the boy wizard will beat Optimus Prime and Jack Sparrow's box office totals, but it got me thinking of another question, who of the three would win in a cage fight? Now if we were to just take all the main characters from our big summer box office films and pit them against each other, who wins? In order to have a tournament, we need seeding. I seeded the characters based off how awesome they are at fighting, and be warned, minor spoilers may be contained below.
1. Optimus Prime-Giant robot, can both use a sword and turn into a semi-truck, plus he can spout encouraging things like nobodies business.
2. Harry Potter-Has become quite a powerful wizard since the first book/movie. Seeded behind Optimus only because without his wand....he is worthless.
3. Thor-Well he is a God, and has a huge hammer. Seeded third because his father can take away his powers anytime he chooses.
4. Magneto-Can control metal objects, and has a helmet that keeps him from being controlled by telepaths.
5. Voldemort-The most powerful dark wizard since Slytherin himself......only that pesky boy wizard stands in his path.
6. Captain America-Super soldier who can throw his shield really hard, can also use a gun if he chooses.
7. Green Lantern-On paper his power of being able to create anything he wants should make him number 1, but he loses points for being lame, not to mention Hal Jordan's cockiness may be a hindrance in battle.
8. Charles Xavier-Professor X can control people and things using only his mind, his moral reluctance though may hurt him against most of these foes.
9. Super 8 Monster-Hard to tell how powerful the monster is based off just getting to see him briefly, but his spider like features and sheer size should make him a force to be reckoned with. Also once you touch him, you feel for him and he could use that.
10. Conan the Barbarian-If it was Swarzenegger, we would rank him 1, but we are not yet sure what this Conan brings to the table.
11. Priest-Vampire hunter, great gadgets, driven by hate. He can fight vampires, but what about the rest of this crew?
12. Jack Sparrow-Wit, swordplay, but his lack of physical strength means he may have to outwit to win.
13. Jake Longerhan-A cowboy with an alien blaster attached to his arm, enough said.
14. Megatron-Another large robot, loses ranking because Optimus keeps kicking his ass.
15. Po-The Kung Fu Panda himself has grown into quite the karate expert, he will need all his training.
16. Hobo-Well he has a shotgun and a nasty disposition......and that's it.
So the seeding is done, now the battle commences....
Our first battle is 1 vs 16, Optimus Prime versus the Hobo with a shotgun, not much of a battle as the Hobo's shotgun blasts bounce off Optimus like nothing, Optimus makes quick work of the Hobo, and then gives a speech honoring the fallen.
Next we have 2 vs 15, Harry Potter vs Po, Harry hits Po with a stun spell before Po can even get close, Harry then hits Po with a befuddlement charm and Po wanders out of the cage confused.
Next its 3 vs 14, Thor vs Megatron. The first close battle, Thor puts Megatron on his back a few times with his hammer, but as he was about to finish him, Starscream distracts the ref and hits Thor in the back with a chair. Thor is dazed and takes a few big hits from Megatron, however Mojinor has a mind of its own, and aids Thor while he is down taking out Starscream and knocking Megatron down in the process. Once Thor gets his wits back, he brings in a tornado that sweeps Megatron out of the cage and carries him to Asgard, once on Thor's home turf, Thor and Mojinor make quick work of Megatron, who ends up resembling a tin can.
In our 4 vs 13 battle, Magneto takes on Jake Longerhan, while Jake is quick with his pistol and gets some good shots off with his alien wrist blaster, Magneto realizes early on that both Jake's gun and blaster are made of metal, and turns them both on Longerhan, Magneto shows no mercy from there.
Next is 5 vs 12, Voldemort vs Jack Sparrow. In a battle of heavyweights, Jack prances out of the way of a few killing curses, he continues the dodging process for close to an hour, spouting incoherent sentences the entire time, after the first hour ends, Voldemort is mentally exhausted. Jack sees his chance and gets in close, but he doesn't go for the kill, instead he snatches Voldemort's wand, points it at Voldemort and says something no one in the vicinity can understand, the wand lights up a purple color and backfires, hitting Jack in the chest, Sparrow turns into a monkey and attempts to flee, however Voldemort will have none of it. He reclaims his wand and with the flick of a wrist, the monkey becomes nothing but a pile of clothes and gold teeth.
In the 6 vs 11 battle, we get Captain America vs Priest. This is a ranged battle, Captain's shield flies from one end of the cage to the other, while Priest's ninja star crosses narrowly miss Captain's head. After a lot of dodging, Priest is out of throwing stars, but Captain's shield just keeps coming back to him, with a strong throw the shield puts Priest down for the count.
In the 7 vs 10 match up, the Green Lantern Hal Jordan takes on Conan the Barbarian. Conan aggressively comes after Hal with his sword, Hal believes he can handle him so he has the ring create a sword of his own, however Conan is the better swordsman, and Hal realizes it too late, while he is trying to create something else to aid him, Conan takes advantage. With one swing of his sword, Conan gives us our first upset.
In our last match up of the first round, we get Professor X vs the Super 8 monster. Professor X knows physically he like a mouse going up against a lion, so he goes right to work trying to get into the monsters head. However the monster does not have a brain configuration that Charles can decode, as the monster charges, Xavier has to resort to attempting to use telekinesis, however there is nothing in the cage to throw at the monster, and before the audience has a chance to blink, Xavier is cocooned and hanging from the top of the cage.
This concludes the first round, but the subsequent rounds promise to be real nail biters. Check back later for the remaining battles!
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